You’ve noticed there is a war against the use of the word “sorry” at work. Lately, everyone — including Forbes and CNBC — seems to be saying that saying “sorry” in the workplace will severely undermine your career. This focus has makes you paranoid; should I be saying “sorry” for using the word “sorry”?! I did some research and learned a lot about why there is such distaste for the word and have come to my own conclusions about its appropriateness in the workplace.
But first…
What is the actual definition of “sorry”?
According to dictionary.com, “sorry” is defined as:
- feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc. (to be sorry to leave one’s friends; to be sorry for a remark; or to be sorry for someone in trouble.)
- regrettable or deplorable; unfortunate; tragic (a sorry situation; to come to a sorry end.)
- sorrowful, grieved, or sad (Was she sorry when her brother died?)
- associated with sorrow; suggestive of grief or suffering; melancholy; dismal.
- wretched, poor, useless, or pitiful (a sorry horse.)
So, this word is versatile; we have everything from being sorry about a situation to describing someone as sorry due to the sad state they are in.
It’s important to note that the word does not state that you need to actually be accountable for the problem to use this word (this will be important later).
Why do people say you shouldn’t say “sorry” at work?
There are a few different arguments as to why someone should not say sorry at work. This article explains them at length, but here is a summary:
- Saying “sorry” is a passive move which makes you appear as if you lack power
- People may question your confidence
- You appear to be making an excuse for an unpopular opinion (i.e., “I’m sorry, but I don’t think that is a good idea)
- You can imply you’re at fault because “Sorry” implies you had a role in the situation (i.e., sorry the project is delayed
OK, so those are really undesirable consequences of saying just 1 word in my opinion.
How can 1 word has so much power over the way in which people perceive you at work?!
So, assuming you can render yourself completely useless in the workplace by using the word “sorry,” then what if we avoid saying it at all? Let’s see…
What’s the downside of not saying “sorry”?
There is just 1 I can think of……
You will seem like a jerk.
I don’t care how confident you may seem by not saying “sorry;” I will dislike and — more importantly — will distrust you if you don’t acknowledge a mistake that you’ve made. If you don’t own your actions, I don’t feel comfortable working with you. Who knows what you will do next?
Recently I was employing a designer to help with some house remodeling. We discovered quite late in the game that she had some measurements wrong and there were some pretty serious consequences to the functionality of the room we were working on. When I pointed out the error, she said: “yes I believe we have the correct measurements now.”
I was waiting for something along the lines of “I’m sorry I didn’t get that right.” While there was nothing we could do at that point, knowing she took ownership and that the mistake mattered to her would be important. I would feel better about working with her again if I knew she took accountability for her work product and the importance of it in people’s lives.
Honestly, I would have fired her that day if we weren’t in the 11th hour and face delays. I feel like I do not trust what she says and I will find it hard to do another project with her. I will also not recommend her to anyone.
That is a big price to pay for not wanting to seem confident in the moment.
So, you need to consider whether you want your colleagues to feel that way about you.
I do agree that we should no over-use the word “sorry.” If nothing else, you can dilute the perception of your sincerity. That said, I think your use of the word would have to be extreme to have that outcome or any negative impact…you would have to say it multiple times a day and I would question what’s going on if that is really the case. Furthermore, if you said any word that much, I think your co-workers would be annoyed and weary of you…is the word “sorry” really the problem?
When is it appropriate to say “I’m Sorry”?
I think it’s appropriate for any of the reasons in the definition above (including when you’re not at fault but being empathetic to someone’s situation). But there is 1 use that is non-negotiable; you need to say sorry at work when you’ve made an error.
Errors can be big mistakes such as incomplete or inaccurate work, hurting someone’s feelings, having Or smaller, such as being late for a meeting. If you’ve done something that could negatively impact someone, you should apologize and “I’m sorry” is probably the easiest way to do that.
Alternatives to “Sorry”
If you’re really hung up on avoiding “sorry,” then you’ll want to know how to express remorse for negatively impacting someone in a different way. The key here is to express your regret that what you did had a negative impact. Even better, say what you’d do differently next time or what you’ve learned from it.
If you don’t want to say “I’m sorry” here are some alternatives:
- “I regret being late for the meeting. Next time I will leave 10 min early to ensure I’m on time.”
- “I apologize for not meeting the deadline. I’ve learned more about what it takes to finalized a project like this and I will be able to be more accurate next time.”
- “I feel bad about not having the project ready on time.”
There is nothing wrong with using the phrases above instead of sorry. It’s just that “sorry” is a really efficient and clear way to express the feelings. And, you’ll want to weigh the pros of not using the word “sorry” with the implication to how someone perceives you in terms of your accountability, transparency, and straightforwardness. I’d hate for you to avoid looking mildly not confident only to be perceived as dishonest or not forthcoming!
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Awesome post! Keep up the great work! 🙂